Do you ever just sit in bed and think? Most nights i have a hard time going to sleep because my mind is racing 200 mph. Sometimes i worry, sometimes i act out scenarios in my head and think about what i would do (yea i kick peoples trash), and sometimes it is just random like tonight. Tonight i was thinking about being pregnant. I miss it! I want to feel a baby move in my belly again. I cant even comprehend how awesome women's body's are though. I mean we can grow a baby!! Choosing to let go of your body and your slim figure so that you can bring a human being in the world is amazing and that decision was hard for me. I was selfish. I wasn't ready for my pants to not fit. I wasn't ready to get stretch marks or gain weight. I have always been petite and i have always had a decent body but now i have stretch marks galor, my hips are wider, my stomach isn't flat.I still have baby fat on my stomach. ( i know you people want to slap be right now because i am skinny) but it isn't the same.
But now this time around i want to punch myself for ever being selfish. Because now i want to pregnant , i want more than anything to bring another baby in this world and i can't. Before i wanted to be pregnant also, but it is just different now. I kind of have always thought that i would struggle with infertility. Once a doctor told me i would have trouble having babies.. why i don't know but when he said it i knew it was true. The hardest thing for me to to see all the pregnant people around me. Utah is like pregnant central if you haven't noticed..My sister told me the other day that " it sucks because she can get pregnant easily but hates being pregnant". I never really thought about that before she said something. I am not envious of people who are having babies because they want to have a family, it is the people who are having babies and don't care about them.
I am going to start going to a specialist now. He is a reproductive endocrinologist (whatever that means). I did my third round of clomid and it obviously didn't work, so they are afraid my uterus is shutting down. I will know after i go to the specialist what might be wrong and they will go from there.
I know that i am ranting but a blog is an outlet to let go of your emotions right? So many people struggle with this and all i can think about is how grateful i am for Adalee and that she is ours! I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Like i have said before i know we will have more children. for now i will hold my baby a little tighter, and thank Heavenly Father for all of my blessings again and again. Till next time!
I babysit the boy on the left 2 times a week. He and Adalee are best buds! Here they are making pizza for dinner.
